Hello World

Greetings my friends the close of the year is upon us. We are in the season of celebration and Peace. IN this crazy world it is important to remember all the great things we have.
For me it is life, Sobriety, Tom, my kids, My pets, a job, friends close and far. The ability to enjoy life.
I have tried to look at life's in others eyes and failed. I have tried to close my eyes but life was still in session. I have learned that life is a great gift that we all can be grateful for or attempt to destroy. My family will one day be gone my friends come and go. The good the bad the great the least all are only for a moment yet life is always there. It is the very essence of life that allows me to grow. life is the breath to my thoughts the blood to my heart the tears to my pain. The laughter to my joy. Life is not a giver or a take life is constant it is us the vessels that life en voles into that make the choices to appreciate or destroy. Life the greatest gift.

Life is as a newborn pure and Innocent. neither knows wrong or right. Like a snow flake always different never the same. Humans have the ability to make life as we chose. If we pervert it then life will be perverted if we honor it then life will be honored. I was giving the gift of life to respect and cherish and in return I will be respected and cherished. The past I have not respected nor cherished this gift and today I have been giving a new chapter. Thank you

The end

life is so strange. I wonder how people ever make it each day. There is poverty pain and loss each day and yet people continue. Hate fuels drive and that is wrong. The world has became a place of evil. The world has become the playground of hurt, and pain. When people try and make it better somethng always makes it worse. I have tried to make myself a better person only to be told I am a evil person. I am sure I will survie yeta part of my heart has been removed. I have to make choices that can affect so many yet this is one time I dont want to.

thanks life

HELP

OK so I went to kansas and I got to spend time wiht my daughters and sister that was great came home that was great Tom brought Steinbeck to get me. Very thoughtful. I love both them

Well friday my sister calls me and her ex husband was acting like a jerk cause I did not go to see him and he was taking it out on my daughters. I am helpless and it pisses me off I was pissed all week end cause I can not do anything. I want to protect them and I know my sister will but why is he being a jerk. And then On saturday Tom and I get in to a fight over stupid ass shit and he dont understand It has nothing to do with him. I am sitting at work stressed about so many things tried to tlk to him he wont talk back I cant do my job wiht all this stress and then if I dont we dont make money and lose all our stuff I hate life today and it is not right what was a good thing one singel jerk turned it into hell. i hate him so much right now. not Tom my sisters ex husband

Sitting on the airplane

I am luckey the plane is not full so I have room a chick cut me off to get the door seat I wanted to get mad but that's life.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone.

LAX

Well today is a first for me.
I amflying to Kansas to meet my daughters who are 13. This is the first time since they were infents. Also this is the first time I will be away from Tom, 4 days may not seem like a long time to some but when you have spent the last 7 years daily with someone a day can seem like enternity and a week can seem like a second. I know all will be ok and that god wil take care of all. I am sitting at LAX waiting to board a plane. the waiting area is getting busy I wonder were all these people are going.

A Nice Sunday Morning

Hello world listening to Diana Ross aint no mountain High anuff and just enjoying the life God has given me. It is a nice fall morning here in Corona. Not much going on Tom is working on some photos he went and did yesterday the boys are sleeping and at this very moment not a damn thing to complain about how nice In a few days I am headed to Kansas to see my daughters and sister I am doing better with it.

Sick day @home

Well Tom is now sick and I mean real bad. I need to get home and take care of him. I am at Toyota getting my oil change and the going to Matthews to move his fish tank. I feel bad that I am not at home for Tom yet when he is sick he wants to be left alone. I will stop by cvs get him some sick stuff take some myself so I don't get worse.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone.

Just a night

Well here I sit waiting for a meeting. I am feeling sick. I can not wait in Friday as soon as I get off it is home and bed. Things are getting better and I know god will do for me and my love ones. It is nice to sit here alone just being by myself. I miss my time. Sometimes it is so over whelming. Yet I. Know that if I just sitback god will take care of it. In a few weeks I am going to Kansas I tell myself it is no big deal bur it is my sister told me on Monday that the girls will be there that weekend. I hope I don't break down. To see in the flesh a creation of a life that came from me. I have never even thought about it the last time I saw the girls they were babies so this is a trip. I know god has a reason for this and I have to give it to him and look for the lesson and blessing. I am greatful that Tom understands why I am going and supports me. I am also worried my dog will be upset that I am going to be gone. I so much love him and the love his so freely gives. Well I will sign off for now


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone.

Today I am not happy

I have tried and tried again. Today I want go just say fuck it. I am so sick from all this. I get told of all my faults have to walk in my own house on eggs shells spend a lot of time fielding bullshit to keep peace. And in return I am treated like a punk. Talked shit to when ever and expected not to have an opinion. No people my life is not great. My life sucks. I have no harmony I have no support I am in he'll and the fact if this is the gift of sobrity give me a bottel and a point I want off this fucking ride. Love hurts and hurts even more when the person you loves could not give a damn. When if is all about them there world there needs. I did not change my life to be a prisoner to someone else and there shit. I am not responsable for others there issues and the fact that I am a grown man I should be in a grown relationship. God if you are reading this I pray for streangth. Tonight I want to run give up and get the fuck out. I have never hated my life as much as I do right now. God give me strength to see the gift I know it is there.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone.

Just a short note

Well me and the kids are spending a nice night at home both the boys are sleeping happly with me. My life is going good. I am happy I am a very blessed person. Thank you god.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone.

Hello World

Well it has been a while since I wrote anything masn
my life is busy.
Any way just checking in and say all is ok.
I have added some goals to my life i want to move to Oregon a save up some money get Tom and I back on track find a nice place we can retire in. We need to take advantage of having James with us he told me he would move with us and that would be a Major savings, I hope I can convenience Tom cause we will never get ahead in California. I know his whole family is here and I dont think it will ever happen.
I think we will be ok the kids are ok I worry about Theo he lays around alot I think he is getting old I love all my kids so much.
I am going to Kansas on the 24th to see my sister I have not seen her in over 12 years I am kinda exceted but also it will be the first time I will be away from Tom.

sometimes you have to ask why

Why do I allow this to go on I am a grown man who trys to be suportive and continue to be the backboard for others shit
It is not how my day is or what's going on with me. It is his day his shit and my responsiabilty
To resolve all the issues I am always told I never listen yet I feel I am never listened to I am the one
Who has to keep peace and tranquality no matter what. I had a fupwed day and then
No hi but come here and then all about someone else and then all about me and how
I never listen or valadate. Hey world it is hard to agree to something when you know it wrong
It sucks cause I either have to sell myself short or have drama
I hate it but this is why I ask why.

OMG

Ok I am back it has been awhile we have been so busy with life.
I have a few minutes to just let all know what is going on.
I got the ipod and it is so cool. I am very happy.
I have rekindle my relationship with my sister and girls.
I am going to go back to collage.
I have a great life and am very happy.

Just a night

Well I am sitting at home just relaxing with the boys. Ah How nice.


Life is great Poor TO he wanted to go out and enjoy and some jerk is messing with his time.
I do not understand how someone can act like him ( not TO) and not get the point. I think I am going to stay up all night tonight

acceptance

I am sitting here at work waiting to start my day. I ask why. Why do I continue to push forward sometimes it just seems like life has stoped
That no matter what I do I will never achavie what I have set out to do. Case in point. I busted my ass at work to make a nice
Bouns and then life in its greatness put a financial challange by having 2 roommates leave so I have
To cover them. I was hoping to get my ipod. Truth be told life gave me what I needed and wanted
They were a major disruption to our life
So I pick up a side job this weekend hoping to get my ipod and aafter looking at finances its not happing
I could sit here and say that it is not fair or I can look on the other side of the coin
When I got sober I accepted life on lifes terms and my bills must be Paid. Man it can suck so much
If I let it. I go non stop hoping to gain what I want yet I get to take care of what is needed
And that is what acceptance is. I am sitting waiting to go to work. I wanted a good life. And that
Is not free I have a nice home a great relationship the perfect person in my life
All the other things can go away and I would still be happy

Just Checking in

Well it has been a few weeks and I just wanted to check in,
Life has provided some interesting turns in the last few weeks but nothing us at Flaming Gorge cant handle. TO starts his new job in the morning I am so proud of him he took his passion and made it a job. Way to go TO. RT and PR have decided to move. Thank you God I remember a few weeks back I was asking for strength. God has a way of taking care of things as long as we step out of the way. JM is doing good and trying harder to intergrate into society. As for me well just trying to keep positive. Today I did not want to go to my second job. I get burnt out, I wanted to stay on the internet looking to make a trade for a ipod touch I want one so bad, God will get it for me when it is time. I am going to start walking the dogs in the evining when I get home. They are doing so well. I am uplate and at even tired. i went to the hosptial last night to have my elbow drained.I am ok, and some friends came over for a bbq and games, it was fun, I kinda miss have a social life. As soon as TO is working I need to get a night Job if we do this right we can save a lot of money and start to make a good life for us.

The Beauty of life

They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade,
I think life is about creating, creating our own world, the good, the bad, the love, the hurt.
As a young man I could blame people, places, my rank in society, my race, my parents, etc.
As an adult I can only look in the mirror and ask. What is it that I need ? How can I achieve ?
When I place others and there thoughts in front of mine and the things I know is right I will never have peace. Yes I know others are important and I should always consider others in my actions. With that said I am still the one who is accountable for my actions.
I am powerless over others and my own life is unmanageable until I Let go and give the power away. It is when I do this I can grow and learn. It is not that I have been defeated or even lost. For to surrender is to accept. Acceptance is not an action of weakness or defeat but of strength. The strength to grow, learn and mature. Many will say the road is long and hard others will say the road is narrow and some will say less traveled. I my self say we all travel it some willingly and some not so. The length is are to decide and the width can be narrow unless you allow your friends to travel along. No man is an island we are part of a nucleus, it is when we forget that it takes a village to raise a child and attempt to face life alone that the road becomes long and narrow. The greatest gift is friendship pure and simple like that of a child the trust to accept the security of the care giver.

When I accept that people places and things are there, there for a reason, a lesson to me I can then see the beauty. I can then accept the good, the bad, the love, the hurt.
Life is beautiful as long as I allow it to be. As long as I let go. An oxymoron some would say. For it is when I let go let God, I then have control. It is when I surrender, I gain control, It is when I accept I can change. Life

Hello

Well I am 41 and all I want is paitance . God grant me the serenity, help me place princiaples before personailtys

Good Bye

Tonight is the eve of my birth. 41 Years ago I was brought into this world. I am now an adult it is time for me to let go of the thoughts of youth and immortality. My life today is good. I have a person in my life whom my higher power that I chose to call God has chosen to be partner best friend and lover to death. This is not the person whom I would have asked for, yet is the greatest person I have ever known. I have two great dogs and two great cats.

If I were to have been asked were I would be tonight the place I am I could have never of dreamed of. There are many things I say I want and as an adult I know wants are not needs.
God gives me my needs. I am a blessed man and a grateful person. This year will be the rising sun. Things I have only drempt I shall accomplish.

Thank you God, AA, Tom, my mother and Father, my friends and those who have touched my life.

Hello

Well here at work board hate my job and still doing it. I kinda think I will be doing this for a while. I am going to get me a psp so I can kill the time and stay working so I can make money. Man I hate this job I do collections what a drag in this economy to try and get people to pay. I dont want to go to my meeting tonight cause all the drama. we will see.

just a day

Hello cyber space today was a day just one of those days were you wonder. I woke up to the news that a friend had passed on. Then I could not find my clothes for work. Oh all this was after spending my whole sunday away from home. i get to work and the boss wants us to do the shit I hate. i get a text from roommates saying they want to move. I dont collect shit. I get a call from my other boss he could not find my invoice my loan is going slow thanks to the investor.I get home TO is not feeling good. I dont spend time with my dog. I am going crazy like I am falling down a black tunnel. I know in God is taking care of it yet Sometimes it is to much. That is why I started to write. To get my crazyness out so I can move on. I have to find new roommates. deal with the current ones figure out the money. All this with trying to unnderstand the ones in my house. I wonder what God is preparing me for. I am not this strong. I will no matter what continue on. I shall overcome all this and it will be better. I think I need to see a doctor to discuss the issues in my head. My head is a crazy place it is like at a circus the house of mirrors. Nothing is in proper perspective. I will figure it out. Some times I want to be out of control/ Just give it all up. Be unaccountable. I know I cant cause to many count on me. Well good night.

Thinking

Well it is Friday night I had a good day at home with TO we just kicked it and done some stuff around the house. It was kinda fun. Gave the boys a bath and now we are kicking it in bed. Watching some tv. I got a feeling things are going to get better To seems to be trying harder to have a two way relationship. It will be so great. I knew if I waited long anuff this relationship would be worth it. I so love him. If we make it through these next two weeks our financial sitioun will get better. I am happy.

Someday

I live for the day when I can be me free,
Free to express the me I long to be.
I am not that complex or confusing
yet I fight inside cause others don't understand.

Today is Sunday my chosen day of rest, I have done so much and yet done nothing,
my plans went away and I had fun, Went to Chucky cheese played like a child and went swiming.
It is almost bed time now. I have to work in the morning and I am tirerd this blog makes no sense so I will just sign off have a great night world.

Just a fridaynight

Hello world it is me SirSteinbeck dad uses my name but I am for real. Well this week was ok. Hey its is me Patrick. It is friday night and I am still up. TO made some bomb ass fried chicken, This week was ok, I have been stressing alot. So I am just rying to relax and spend some rest time. i got google voice today. That is the bomb. After this month I think things are going to get better work is going ok but I still want to get back into the field I know. any way out of here have a good night

My Life

Hello world it is Sunday night I am kicking back in bed with my best friend Sir Steinbeck my beautiful Black Lab. He is the most loyal and dedicated friend I have ever had. We are watching a movie the joker. We went on a camping trip this weekend stay was interrupted due to Almighty Thor, poor baby hurt his leg but he was a trooper. I think he is ok. I am working on making some major life changes as my 41st birthday is coming up. I am going to check in to getting my drug and alcohol counseling degree so I can help people. I have some wreckage from my past to face and clean up. So I can move forward it is easy but I have just not did it. I have to take care of the student loan I never got so i can get one and go to school.

TO is sick still I hope he gets better, he is a great man. I know he is about out of his funk and is ready to get on with life, we have a great opertunity at this point, we can start to save and I want to. I have chosen to quit smoking for real. Today is my last day.
My goals for my 41st year on earth are.
1 quit smoking.
2 get into shape.
3 run a marathon.
4 save 1000 dollars
5 eat healthy
6 build my bed room set I have designed
7 write a short story
8 get more orginzied
9 go to school
10 clean up my tax issue and child suport
11 Get a good and better paying job ( all I have to do is work on my reume )

I know I could have a better life I just have to find a way to get the time to do it. I am so worried about the stupid stuff , ( is my house clean is everyone ok, I very seldom take time for me )
I need to go back to the basics in life. I am very forunate I have a great man, 4 great kids.

I have always dreamed I would one day make it as a writer, it is hard for my to slow down long anough to put my thoughts in words. This is the longest blog I have done. I think I am getting there. Anyway world good night and have great Week.

Ready for the big day.

It is here we are going on our first camping trip. The funny thing is for years I wanted to go camping and now we are. We are sick this week . this week has been a big test of my faith I have been stressing alot but this morning I gave up and God took over. I sometimes forgets it is not me. God put TO in mylife for a reason. I am a blessed man. I am so exceted about camping. A whole weekend. Steinbeck is here in bed with me. He is such a devoted boy. When I think of all the things God has put in my life I can not help it but have gratatude. I am working on my faceebook cause. I have deceded to use the cyberworld and make a major prescance in it. Well thats it for toninght.

I am greatful for

AA
God
Tom
My Pets
My Friends
James
Daryl
Rich
Robert
Pablo
and Mom and Dad

My Job
the abilty to look forward
to have my health ( even thou I am sick)
Juan Salas

What can I do

Well it is Friday night the week is over and I ask myself what can I do. TO is in that place again. A place I dont like. I am in my room cause It is hard to be around him. When he is not in that place he is nice and fun to be around. After 7 years I have come to learn to leave him alone and let him go thru it. It is getting harder these days cause TO is not working and is beating him self up. I have tried to tell him not to worry but he continues to let it get to him. I know that it will pass. I just wish he would let go and let god, that is the secert, it is hard to come home to him in this place. I love him and know it will be ok. I quess I just have to big strong.
Other wise things are ok I have decided that I must get a second job it will be hard but it is needed. Well we will see. I got a 5 hour energy shot maybe Ill drink it and blog all night

Just a few more hours

In just a few more hours my life will be at the 7 point in my life. Life is in 7s and tomorrow is a new chapter. I have so many good things in my life today and thru the choices I have made I will continue to prosper and move forward. TO and I will celebrate or 7 years together. I will have 7 years sober and am planing on another 7 both ways. TO has made my life commpleate. We met in a meeting and when no one else wanted my mess he gave me a chance and the gifts started that night, even though for the longest he slepp with his walet.

Happy Friday

Today is the best day of the week. Friday yep when I finally get to relax for a few. I am sitting in my lazy boy with Thor. Watching old time TV and waiting for my pie to cool down. Cherry Pie.mm good.

Tuesday

Hey all here I am just kicking it and want to blog before I go to sleep. Went to a meeting tonight It was good. TO had some good things to say. I am so proud of him. In a week on the 8th we will be together 7 years. Man how fast time flys. The clan is down staris eating Ice Cream. Well now the boys and Tom and the boys are up here. Well I have decedied to move forward on my biz. It is going to be a good one. Well have to go.

Sunday Night

Well its me and the boys my two great dogs laying in bed watching Family Guy. I am so grateful for my life even when things seem like I am about to fail I know that I have a person who trust me and counts on me. Life at 40 is better then any time. I am training myself each day to improve my self. This blog is part of it. The good the bed and the life.
\
More about Flaming Gorge, The residents and the life. We have a 5 person clan. It is ok. We all have all on lifes and on occasion we find time to do things together. JM went with me and TO to one of my side Jobs. He is so far one of the best roommates we have had. He is willing to help around the house with out even asking. Wow that is cool. TO is my partner of 7 years. He is so awsome and trys hard to understand me and the crazyness in my life. I have a big dream and I am going to make it come true.

Disney

Well we went to Disney yesterday. The stuff Crew me JM TO and CN. It was a blast JM has the card that lets us get in the front off all the others. Man we got to ride more rides then we usually get to ride. was kinda mad cause the fireworks were canceled. The stuff crew is the best we do so many things together. Hiking shoping and disney. Today I am kicjung at home cleaning the house and resting tomrower I have to work. Gosh i hate that job . The company sucks the owners were friends I hate calling people to get them to try and pay debt. Then we have this ass hole of a manager. RV what a jerk he trys and treats people like he is special. He is a big jerk.

1st of many

Hello and welcome to my world a place we I will share with you my friends and the world. The thoughts and ideas that go on in a crazy place called Flaming Gorge. I will of course respect the privacy of those in my life. I have always dreamed of being a writer like Steinbeck to be able to express life and connect to others. The thought that I could bring others into my head express the ideas and concept of my thoughts to a form of understanding. The real and the make believe. I have alot to say some days and nothing on other days. I work alot have a partner 2 dogs 2 cats 3 roommates and a best friend. She is so cool. I am just me. I hope you keep coming back to see whats up.