Truth

A very interesting insight. For months prior to my seperation I felt like my partner and roommate where having an affair. Today that was confirmed by 3 people. I reflect and think how he set in judgement of others for having a relationship with someone 20 years younger. Yet he does it. How he would judge people here illegal yet he is sleeping with one.
He is the biggest con I have ever known. I was going to walk away yet now I will stand strong. I filed in civil court today for the truck or my share of it.

It is sad to think I never knew this person. I knew what was going on I just did not care. I have researched his boyfriend in town and he is just as big as con. The two belong with each other. I will enjoy the day I see them fail. I will stand with joy, I tried to be his friend, he just uses people.
To heck with him. His con ways.

A passing thought

To never to have felt love, to walk alone in the dark, dreaming that one day the shining light will open your mind to freedom. Passing in the night a fallen star, I look up and wish, wish for a person to hold me a person to wipe away the pain. Just a thought 

Trying to understand

I can understand shame or pain. I can not understand abandonment. I struggled my life with it. I never trusted anyone, I was ok with it. I then opened my heart and my soul. Spent countless years and days to try and love someone. Today I am reflecting I am trying to understand. I know how he has the shame, his shame is not with me but his mother. The pain of never being able to be him. She has controlled him his whole life. I hated being around them it was always a contest a fight between the 2. He loves her with all his heart and can never love someone else as long as he is trying to get her love. It hurts because I seen the good in him the strength and ability to do whatever he wants. 

That is all about him. A moment of reflection of a beautiful moment in my life with him. I think the time that I felt totally at peace totally at a moment when the world was ok. It was with grandma at the hospital before she passed as we where standing with her she could not talk yet in my heart of hearts we communicated and all she wanted was those damn teeth out so she could pass. As I took them out she looked into my eyes and smiled a moment of peace. She allowed me to be me and that moment I felt wanted and loved. 

Now about what is gong on in my life. The doctor is still running test I have about 4 hours a day of good time. Not sure what is it. Today I got a shot that wiped me out. I have been I bed all afternoon and evening except for time with the dogs.   

My finical Sirius is bad I have about 100 to my name and no job. I need to get dog and cat food so I am selling everything I do not need. I am trying to rent out both rooms and find a job I can do. We will survive god has not allowed for me to make it this far to fail. Yes I miss him yes it hurts, yet I understand I must let him walk away and live his life. 

Hurt

The hard thing in life is to accept that you are alone, for 11 years I gave my life to someone else no matter what I did what needed to be done to take care of this person, times have changed and I now need to know someone is there someone I can call on. He has made it clear he does not give a damn about the dogs cats or me, I never would considered him such a selfish person so hateful and evil. I do not know what is going on in his life that he has to hide he has to be ashamed of the person he is. It is sad it hurts to know he is in so much pain. It must be hard.

Vent

today I find myself very angry, hurt, and disappointed. I have a hard time accepting I was used. I want to believe I am just having a hard time but as I reflect on the last 11 years I can see it is not so. This blog has been my safe place for years and with that said it will continue to be. I sit here and think about the times I was sick and how he was never there for me. I remember the time I was in major pain went to the ER he dropped me off said to call when I could leave. Or when I was doing interferon never was he there to hold me or anything I worked and still cared for the dogs and cleaned the house. Or when I had the surgery on my arm it was a Thursday come Friday I am still on pain meds well he had a date for Friday night with the punk 20 plus years younger then him. So off he went. Or when I just had surgery on my mouth he came picked me and dumped me off at the house did not even give me the gauze. There is more. Like for months I told him I wanted the punk out of the house. He was trying to get me to sleep with him, I tried to not cause a problem and told Tom I wanted him out of the house but no, we'll now I understand why. This punk knew what he was doing and had a plan. When I told him I was going to tell Tom, well he said who do you think he will believe. Of course I thought me you know I a confessing to something, well when Tom asked the punk he lied, and of course Tom believed him, even when I made he admit so Tom could hear he still tried to lie. And still Tom runs away with him. I think walking in an catching the punk giving him a massage should have and was the clue. Yes I am at fault yes I allowed it to happen, man to this day I regret my choice, even after I caught him having an online thing, I stayed it is my fault. He is gone now it is hard because I still want to lie to myself, the fact is he never cared or ever will. He has abandon the pets, and me. Fuck him 

Open a new chapter

Today I start a new chapter. I chose today as it was to be the 11th year of a relationship. Well the relationship shifted. We are no longer a partnership. Yes it is hard to believe yet it is. Today I am by myself. This is a good thing. Life is moving forward and I must embrace it and learn. Do I hate him ? No. Will I be mean? No. All I can do is set healthy expectations . For 10 years I was there no matter what. Today I have to step back and be here, here for me first then others second. My life is in my hands to mold to grow and to accept. All the good things are mine to embrace and appreciate. If I chose to share them with someone it is only because I chose to. He taught me a lot and I will always care, I no longer feel indebted.

Love can be expressed in many ways and I hope I can continue to express my love for him by loving myself first, and then others. He took me from the streets and raised me to be a man. I have but only one regret, I pushed him away.

If it is

As I sit and ponder life I get so angry at myself. I will say no he was not the best man in the world, yet even with all his flaws we had something. I miss him I miss the connection. I really wish I knew what it is that I did that ran him away. i can not change him or this place we are in. I hope we can someday be friends. Yes I know it is best for both of us. But damn it after 11 years it is hard. I have to leave the tv on at night so I can sleep. Mothers day iis this weekend. 16 years ago I lost my mother his replaced her and this year I will not be able to see her or wish her a happy mothers day. i know I am rambling and shit but it is my way to get it out.....

Life.

I would like to start off tonight by saying id anyone reads this blog please understand this is my emotions most of the time talking. I am an emotional wreck right now. Please do not consider my thoughts of my ex partner as fact. As most people I lash out when hurt and say mean things..... I had thought this blog was a safe place yet I have learned my ex some how get the postings. He told me today.... All I can say is I am sorry for the use of mean words and expressing my emotions where he would see them and if it hurt him I am sorry. I was only using the one outlet I have to release so I can continue....

A new week A new Outlook.

So as I start off the week, I reflect on the last week and must take the lessons and embrace the beauty of them.
i can reflect and live in the pain if I chose or I can enjoy the beauty. It is still hard to know he is such an evil person that he would abandon the pets and have no concern over my health.   As one of his best friends said, If I am surprised it is only because I lied to myself.  Upon reflection all the times I needed support he was not there. So why would I consider this to be different. I was lying to myself all along.
I have a minor surgery today I was wanting him to be there for the dogs since I will be in pain today yet he can not even reply to the request. I am blessed I have people around to help. The dogs will know I am not able to be there tonight for them and will be as they always have protecting me.

He did what

Well here it is a new week. It is so sad I am really over all his so called friends calling me and telling me all the shit I thought was true is....... Sleeping with so called friends. Heck I told him who mine were. Sending graphic pictures...... Um I thought that was between you and I....... Telling me his ass is in MT. Center and even where he lives...... I really do not give a fuck...... and no I do not think his new boyfriend looks like a girl....... Yes he told someone that...... It is sick.......... I am so over his control and shit............. I am ready to live life.......

Really

I am in pain suffering but must work to take care of my home and pets. I have asked him to spend time with them today, and he is doing it again. He is such a control freak he will not just be there and care. I do not want to depend on him for anything yet damn he knows the pain I am in. Shit I took care of him many times when he could not walk. Yet he only has one thing in mind and that is to make me suffer as much as he can.

You would think all the late nights I stayed awake taking him to the er cause he could not walk or the days I held him because the medication he was on made him feel like he had the flu. Or the back rubs because his back was in pain, would at least would give me some kind of compassion. But no he is all about how to make me suffer. He abandon me and the pets for his own wants and needs. i do not care what he does to me I can not be hurt more then what he has done. The pets need love and interaction yet to punish he he denys them.

WOW

OMG I have major pain. My back is killing me. I am scared I can not take the dogs to play, It hurts to walk or sit. I was lucky He came and drove me to work....... Fearful, what if something happens to me who will care for the pets. This is very scary the pets are my life.....

Trying

how do I hate someone I have loved. How do I let go when I hurt. He is bad for me yet I care. Life is beautiful and so many options for me yet I still care I miss him I miss his stupid ways. I know why yet I still ask. As I sit and remember the times of joy I forget the pain. I know he was evil yet I still hurt.

Change.

When we are in a place in life that seems dark, a choice is made to stumble our way through or to turn on the Damn light. For years I have walked in the dark, believing what I was told, allowing myself to be abused and never speaking up. He would make comments about me to others and I would not care. He was able to make me believe I was someone I am not. I am a beautiful person I love people and I care. The change is an inside outside action, the pain is real and the emotions today I can feel. His newest abuse to to only talk when he wants or needs something. I do not care it is refreshing to know that what others has said is true, I was not the one he cared for and it is not abandonment for he was never part of.

Freedom

What is freedom. The choice to do what is right or wrong. The ability to embrace change. The right to say no. Freedom, is the strength to sit in opposition and hold strong to the courage.  I am learning my freedom. I am learning to let go and say NO. Freedom does not come free, pain and hurt is the mixture yet the results is Pride and faith.

Learning to live......

I have lived this for the last 10.5 years. The sad thing is when I bring it up. He just says I am always trying to blame him.

Emotional abuse is used to control, degrade, humiliate and punish a spouse. While emotional abuse differs from physical abuse, the end result is the same…a spouse becomes fearful of their partner and begins to change their behaviors to keep their partner happy. The happier their partner, the less domestic violence the spouse has to suffer.

By the time a spouse identifies the true problem they have begun to feel as if they are crazy. They will doubt themselves and their own sense of reality because emotional abuse is meant to cause the victim to question their every thought and behavior.

He has tried and still does to control me with his " I am the victim " style. Today he blamed me again and could not admit he did anything wrong. Says I ran him off. Well as much as it hurts all the pain. I am free of his abuse. I have found that those whom were afraid to be my friend was because of his controlling ways. He is very powerful and can abuse while looking like a victim. " I did not abandon you, you drove me away........I never Abandoned you.......and then says he will sevr all ties with me and the dogs and cats.  I do not care..... Who is he anyway for years people asked what i see in him. I do not know he barely worked never was caring, his life was and is all about what he wants when he wants.................I have supported him yet he wanted to always blame me..... Try supporting two people on one income. Never having the right to spend money you have worked hard to earn while his ass stayed at home I hurt he is gone. It is painful to be alone. It hurts to think he used me.......... I hurts more to care for someone and they only care for themselves......

In her book, Rape in Marriage, Diana Russell reprinted Biderman’s Chart of Coercion from an Amnesty International publication, Report on Torture, depicting the brainwashing of prisoners of war. Those who seek to control their intimate partners, use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. Below is Biderman’s Chart, it explains the methods used to “coerce” and the desired effects and purpose for the coercion:

Biderman's Chart of Coercion:

• Isolation:
  Develops an intense concern for self.
  Causes victims to depend on the victimizer.
• Monopolization of Perception:
  Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
  Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
  Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
• Induced Debility &Exhaustion:
  Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
• Threats:
  Cultivates anxiety and despair.
• Occasional Indulgences:
  Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
• Demonstrating “Omnipotence”:
  Suggests futility of resistance.
• Enforcing Trivial Demands:
  Develops habits of compliance
• Degradation:
  Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
  Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.

The pain

All most 11 years ago a man came into my life, I man I trusted with all a man whom was unlike anyother, Many said ti get away he is holding me down, I refused to believe, I fell in love with this man I dreamed someday he would love me, I have learned love can be the destruction of life, I cheated out of desperation of attention, This man no longer talked to me or wanted to spend anytime with me, I nursed him to health numerous time I was his main source of support, Yet he never loved me. I see what others have said but did not want to believe, It is  true for the one I cheated with is the one he ran off to live with, The pain is not that he hurt me it is that after all I gave he chose to run off with a stranger, A person who lied to his face, I do not think he even cares that I cheted only that he gets what he wants, The only time he speaks to me is to ask for something, and still i can not hate this man. I have been told I must let him go, I am the one abusing my self noe, since I know the truth if I continue anything with him I am the abuser of self, I will  always love him even though he never loved me, I pray I have the strength to continue 5 very souls depend on me he abandon even the pets for the stranger. I hate him and yet I love him......... I do not care I miss him and still believe he is a good person. i wish he would have trusted me like he did this stranger,