Trying to understand

I can understand shame or pain. I can not understand abandonment. I struggled my life with it. I never trusted anyone, I was ok with it. I then opened my heart and my soul. Spent countless years and days to try and love someone. Today I am reflecting I am trying to understand. I know how he has the shame, his shame is not with me but his mother. The pain of never being able to be him. She has controlled him his whole life. I hated being around them it was always a contest a fight between the 2. He loves her with all his heart and can never love someone else as long as he is trying to get her love. It hurts because I seen the good in him the strength and ability to do whatever he wants. 

That is all about him. A moment of reflection of a beautiful moment in my life with him. I think the time that I felt totally at peace totally at a moment when the world was ok. It was with grandma at the hospital before she passed as we where standing with her she could not talk yet in my heart of hearts we communicated and all she wanted was those damn teeth out so she could pass. As I took them out she looked into my eyes and smiled a moment of peace. She allowed me to be me and that moment I felt wanted and loved. 

Now about what is gong on in my life. The doctor is still running test I have about 4 hours a day of good time. Not sure what is it. Today I got a shot that wiped me out. I have been I bed all afternoon and evening except for time with the dogs.   

My finical Sirius is bad I have about 100 to my name and no job. I need to get dog and cat food so I am selling everything I do not need. I am trying to rent out both rooms and find a job I can do. We will survive god has not allowed for me to make it this far to fail. Yes I miss him yes it hurts, yet I understand I must let him walk away and live his life.