Learning to live......

I have lived this for the last 10.5 years. The sad thing is when I bring it up. He just says I am always trying to blame him.

Emotional abuse is used to control, degrade, humiliate and punish a spouse. While emotional abuse differs from physical abuse, the end result is the same…a spouse becomes fearful of their partner and begins to change their behaviors to keep their partner happy. The happier their partner, the less domestic violence the spouse has to suffer.

By the time a spouse identifies the true problem they have begun to feel as if they are crazy. They will doubt themselves and their own sense of reality because emotional abuse is meant to cause the victim to question their every thought and behavior.

He has tried and still does to control me with his " I am the victim " style. Today he blamed me again and could not admit he did anything wrong. Says I ran him off. Well as much as it hurts all the pain. I am free of his abuse. I have found that those whom were afraid to be my friend was because of his controlling ways. He is very powerful and can abuse while looking like a victim. " I did not abandon you, you drove me away........I never Abandoned you.......and then says he will sevr all ties with me and the dogs and cats.  I do not care..... Who is he anyway for years people asked what i see in him. I do not know he barely worked never was caring, his life was and is all about what he wants when he wants.................I have supported him yet he wanted to always blame me..... Try supporting two people on one income. Never having the right to spend money you have worked hard to earn while his ass stayed at home I hurt he is gone. It is painful to be alone. It hurts to think he used me.......... I hurts more to care for someone and they only care for themselves......

In her book, Rape in Marriage, Diana Russell reprinted Biderman’s Chart of Coercion from an Amnesty International publication, Report on Torture, depicting the brainwashing of prisoners of war. Those who seek to control their intimate partners, use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. Below is Biderman’s Chart, it explains the methods used to “coerce” and the desired effects and purpose for the coercion:

Biderman's Chart of Coercion:

• Isolation:
  Develops an intense concern for self.
  Causes victims to depend on the victimizer.
• Monopolization of Perception:
  Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
  Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
  Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
• Induced Debility &Exhaustion:
  Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
• Threats:
  Cultivates anxiety and despair.
• Occasional Indulgences:
  Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
• Demonstrating “Omnipotence”:
  Suggests futility of resistance.
• Enforcing Trivial Demands:
  Develops habits of compliance
• Degradation:
  Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
  Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.