Hurt

The hard thing in life is to accept that you are alone, for 11 years I gave my life to someone else no matter what I did what needed to be done to take care of this person, times have changed and I now need to know someone is there someone I can call on. He has made it clear he does not give a damn about the dogs cats or me, I never would considered him such a selfish person so hateful and evil. I do not know what is going on in his life that he has to hide he has to be ashamed of the person he is. It is sad it hurts to know he is in so much pain. It must be hard.

Vent

today I find myself very angry, hurt, and disappointed. I have a hard time accepting I was used. I want to believe I am just having a hard time but as I reflect on the last 11 years I can see it is not so. This blog has been my safe place for years and with that said it will continue to be. I sit here and think about the times I was sick and how he was never there for me. I remember the time I was in major pain went to the ER he dropped me off said to call when I could leave. Or when I was doing interferon never was he there to hold me or anything I worked and still cared for the dogs and cleaned the house. Or when I had the surgery on my arm it was a Thursday come Friday I am still on pain meds well he had a date for Friday night with the punk 20 plus years younger then him. So off he went. Or when I just had surgery on my mouth he came picked me and dumped me off at the house did not even give me the gauze. There is more. Like for months I told him I wanted the punk out of the house. He was trying to get me to sleep with him, I tried to not cause a problem and told Tom I wanted him out of the house but no, we'll now I understand why. This punk knew what he was doing and had a plan. When I told him I was going to tell Tom, well he said who do you think he will believe. Of course I thought me you know I a confessing to something, well when Tom asked the punk he lied, and of course Tom believed him, even when I made he admit so Tom could hear he still tried to lie. And still Tom runs away with him. I think walking in an catching the punk giving him a massage should have and was the clue. Yes I am at fault yes I allowed it to happen, man to this day I regret my choice, even after I caught him having an online thing, I stayed it is my fault. He is gone now it is hard because I still want to lie to myself, the fact is he never cared or ever will. He has abandon the pets, and me. Fuck him 

Open a new chapter

Today I start a new chapter. I chose today as it was to be the 11th year of a relationship. Well the relationship shifted. We are no longer a partnership. Yes it is hard to believe yet it is. Today I am by myself. This is a good thing. Life is moving forward and I must embrace it and learn. Do I hate him ? No. Will I be mean? No. All I can do is set healthy expectations . For 10 years I was there no matter what. Today I have to step back and be here, here for me first then others second. My life is in my hands to mold to grow and to accept. All the good things are mine to embrace and appreciate. If I chose to share them with someone it is only because I chose to. He taught me a lot and I will always care, I no longer feel indebted.

Love can be expressed in many ways and I hope I can continue to express my love for him by loving myself first, and then others. He took me from the streets and raised me to be a man. I have but only one regret, I pushed him away.

If it is

As I sit and ponder life I get so angry at myself. I will say no he was not the best man in the world, yet even with all his flaws we had something. I miss him I miss the connection. I really wish I knew what it is that I did that ran him away. i can not change him or this place we are in. I hope we can someday be friends. Yes I know it is best for both of us. But damn it after 11 years it is hard. I have to leave the tv on at night so I can sleep. Mothers day iis this weekend. 16 years ago I lost my mother his replaced her and this year I will not be able to see her or wish her a happy mothers day. i know I am rambling and shit but it is my way to get it out.....

Life.

I would like to start off tonight by saying id anyone reads this blog please understand this is my emotions most of the time talking. I am an emotional wreck right now. Please do not consider my thoughts of my ex partner as fact. As most people I lash out when hurt and say mean things..... I had thought this blog was a safe place yet I have learned my ex some how get the postings. He told me today.... All I can say is I am sorry for the use of mean words and expressing my emotions where he would see them and if it hurt him I am sorry. I was only using the one outlet I have to release so I can continue....

A new week A new Outlook.

So as I start off the week, I reflect on the last week and must take the lessons and embrace the beauty of them.
i can reflect and live in the pain if I chose or I can enjoy the beauty. It is still hard to know he is such an evil person that he would abandon the pets and have no concern over my health.   As one of his best friends said, If I am surprised it is only because I lied to myself.  Upon reflection all the times I needed support he was not there. So why would I consider this to be different. I was lying to myself all along.
I have a minor surgery today I was wanting him to be there for the dogs since I will be in pain today yet he can not even reply to the request. I am blessed I have people around to help. The dogs will know I am not able to be there tonight for them and will be as they always have protecting me.

He did what

Well here it is a new week. It is so sad I am really over all his so called friends calling me and telling me all the shit I thought was true is....... Sleeping with so called friends. Heck I told him who mine were. Sending graphic pictures...... Um I thought that was between you and I....... Telling me his ass is in MT. Center and even where he lives...... I really do not give a fuck...... and no I do not think his new boyfriend looks like a girl....... Yes he told someone that...... It is sick.......... I am so over his control and shit............. I am ready to live life.......