He did what

Well here it is a new week. It is so sad I am really over all his so called friends calling me and telling me all the shit I thought was true is....... Sleeping with so called friends. Heck I told him who mine were. Sending graphic pictures...... Um I thought that was between you and I....... Telling me his ass is in MT. Center and even where he lives...... I really do not give a fuck...... and no I do not think his new boyfriend looks like a girl....... Yes he told someone that...... It is sick.......... I am so over his control and shit............. I am ready to live life.......

Really

I am in pain suffering but must work to take care of my home and pets. I have asked him to spend time with them today, and he is doing it again. He is such a control freak he will not just be there and care. I do not want to depend on him for anything yet damn he knows the pain I am in. Shit I took care of him many times when he could not walk. Yet he only has one thing in mind and that is to make me suffer as much as he can.

You would think all the late nights I stayed awake taking him to the er cause he could not walk or the days I held him because the medication he was on made him feel like he had the flu. Or the back rubs because his back was in pain, would at least would give me some kind of compassion. But no he is all about how to make me suffer. He abandon me and the pets for his own wants and needs. i do not care what he does to me I can not be hurt more then what he has done. The pets need love and interaction yet to punish he he denys them.

WOW

OMG I have major pain. My back is killing me. I am scared I can not take the dogs to play, It hurts to walk or sit. I was lucky He came and drove me to work....... Fearful, what if something happens to me who will care for the pets. This is very scary the pets are my life.....

Trying

how do I hate someone I have loved. How do I let go when I hurt. He is bad for me yet I care. Life is beautiful and so many options for me yet I still care I miss him I miss his stupid ways. I know why yet I still ask. As I sit and remember the times of joy I forget the pain. I know he was evil yet I still hurt.

Change.

When we are in a place in life that seems dark, a choice is made to stumble our way through or to turn on the Damn light. For years I have walked in the dark, believing what I was told, allowing myself to be abused and never speaking up. He would make comments about me to others and I would not care. He was able to make me believe I was someone I am not. I am a beautiful person I love people and I care. The change is an inside outside action, the pain is real and the emotions today I can feel. His newest abuse to to only talk when he wants or needs something. I do not care it is refreshing to know that what others has said is true, I was not the one he cared for and it is not abandonment for he was never part of.

Freedom

What is freedom. The choice to do what is right or wrong. The ability to embrace change. The right to say no. Freedom, is the strength to sit in opposition and hold strong to the courage.  I am learning my freedom. I am learning to let go and say NO. Freedom does not come free, pain and hurt is the mixture yet the results is Pride and faith.

Learning to live......

I have lived this for the last 10.5 years. The sad thing is when I bring it up. He just says I am always trying to blame him.

Emotional abuse is used to control, degrade, humiliate and punish a spouse. While emotional abuse differs from physical abuse, the end result is the same…a spouse becomes fearful of their partner and begins to change their behaviors to keep their partner happy. The happier their partner, the less domestic violence the spouse has to suffer.

By the time a spouse identifies the true problem they have begun to feel as if they are crazy. They will doubt themselves and their own sense of reality because emotional abuse is meant to cause the victim to question their every thought and behavior.

He has tried and still does to control me with his " I am the victim " style. Today he blamed me again and could not admit he did anything wrong. Says I ran him off. Well as much as it hurts all the pain. I am free of his abuse. I have found that those whom were afraid to be my friend was because of his controlling ways. He is very powerful and can abuse while looking like a victim. " I did not abandon you, you drove me away........I never Abandoned you.......and then says he will sevr all ties with me and the dogs and cats.  I do not care..... Who is he anyway for years people asked what i see in him. I do not know he barely worked never was caring, his life was and is all about what he wants when he wants.................I have supported him yet he wanted to always blame me..... Try supporting two people on one income. Never having the right to spend money you have worked hard to earn while his ass stayed at home I hurt he is gone. It is painful to be alone. It hurts to think he used me.......... I hurts more to care for someone and they only care for themselves......

In her book, Rape in Marriage, Diana Russell reprinted Biderman’s Chart of Coercion from an Amnesty International publication, Report on Torture, depicting the brainwashing of prisoners of war. Those who seek to control their intimate partners, use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. Below is Biderman’s Chart, it explains the methods used to “coerce” and the desired effects and purpose for the coercion:

Biderman's Chart of Coercion:

• Isolation:
  Develops an intense concern for self.
  Causes victims to depend on the victimizer.
• Monopolization of Perception:
  Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
  Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
  Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
• Induced Debility &Exhaustion:
  Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
• Threats:
  Cultivates anxiety and despair.
• Occasional Indulgences:
  Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
• Demonstrating “Omnipotence”:
  Suggests futility of resistance.
• Enforcing Trivial Demands:
  Develops habits of compliance
• Degradation:
  Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
  Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.