Truth

A very interesting insight. For months prior to my seperation I felt like my partner and roommate where having an affair. Today that was confirmed by 3 people. I reflect and think how he set in judgement of others for having a relationship with someone 20 years younger. Yet he does it. How he would judge people here illegal yet he is sleeping with one.
He is the biggest con I have ever known. I was going to walk away yet now I will stand strong. I filed in civil court today for the truck or my share of it.

It is sad to think I never knew this person. I knew what was going on I just did not care. I have researched his boyfriend in town and he is just as big as con. The two belong with each other. I will enjoy the day I see them fail. I will stand with joy, I tried to be his friend, he just uses people.
To heck with him. His con ways.

A passing thought

To never to have felt love, to walk alone in the dark, dreaming that one day the shining light will open your mind to freedom. Passing in the night a fallen star, I look up and wish, wish for a person to hold me a person to wipe away the pain. Just a thought 

Trying to understand

I can understand shame or pain. I can not understand abandonment. I struggled my life with it. I never trusted anyone, I was ok with it. I then opened my heart and my soul. Spent countless years and days to try and love someone. Today I am reflecting I am trying to understand. I know how he has the shame, his shame is not with me but his mother. The pain of never being able to be him. She has controlled him his whole life. I hated being around them it was always a contest a fight between the 2. He loves her with all his heart and can never love someone else as long as he is trying to get her love. It hurts because I seen the good in him the strength and ability to do whatever he wants. 

That is all about him. A moment of reflection of a beautiful moment in my life with him. I think the time that I felt totally at peace totally at a moment when the world was ok. It was with grandma at the hospital before she passed as we where standing with her she could not talk yet in my heart of hearts we communicated and all she wanted was those damn teeth out so she could pass. As I took them out she looked into my eyes and smiled a moment of peace. She allowed me to be me and that moment I felt wanted and loved. 

Now about what is gong on in my life. The doctor is still running test I have about 4 hours a day of good time. Not sure what is it. Today I got a shot that wiped me out. I have been I bed all afternoon and evening except for time with the dogs.   

My finical Sirius is bad I have about 100 to my name and no job. I need to get dog and cat food so I am selling everything I do not need. I am trying to rent out both rooms and find a job I can do. We will survive god has not allowed for me to make it this far to fail. Yes I miss him yes it hurts, yet I understand I must let him walk away and live his life. 

Hurt

The hard thing in life is to accept that you are alone, for 11 years I gave my life to someone else no matter what I did what needed to be done to take care of this person, times have changed and I now need to know someone is there someone I can call on. He has made it clear he does not give a damn about the dogs cats or me, I never would considered him such a selfish person so hateful and evil. I do not know what is going on in his life that he has to hide he has to be ashamed of the person he is. It is sad it hurts to know he is in so much pain. It must be hard.

Vent

today I find myself very angry, hurt, and disappointed. I have a hard time accepting I was used. I want to believe I am just having a hard time but as I reflect on the last 11 years I can see it is not so. This blog has been my safe place for years and with that said it will continue to be. I sit here and think about the times I was sick and how he was never there for me. I remember the time I was in major pain went to the ER he dropped me off said to call when I could leave. Or when I was doing interferon never was he there to hold me or anything I worked and still cared for the dogs and cleaned the house. Or when I had the surgery on my arm it was a Thursday come Friday I am still on pain meds well he had a date for Friday night with the punk 20 plus years younger then him. So off he went. Or when I just had surgery on my mouth he came picked me and dumped me off at the house did not even give me the gauze. There is more. Like for months I told him I wanted the punk out of the house. He was trying to get me to sleep with him, I tried to not cause a problem and told Tom I wanted him out of the house but no, we'll now I understand why. This punk knew what he was doing and had a plan. When I told him I was going to tell Tom, well he said who do you think he will believe. Of course I thought me you know I a confessing to something, well when Tom asked the punk he lied, and of course Tom believed him, even when I made he admit so Tom could hear he still tried to lie. And still Tom runs away with him. I think walking in an catching the punk giving him a massage should have and was the clue. Yes I am at fault yes I allowed it to happen, man to this day I regret my choice, even after I caught him having an online thing, I stayed it is my fault. He is gone now it is hard because I still want to lie to myself, the fact is he never cared or ever will. He has abandon the pets, and me. Fuck him 

Open a new chapter

Today I start a new chapter. I chose today as it was to be the 11th year of a relationship. Well the relationship shifted. We are no longer a partnership. Yes it is hard to believe yet it is. Today I am by myself. This is a good thing. Life is moving forward and I must embrace it and learn. Do I hate him ? No. Will I be mean? No. All I can do is set healthy expectations . For 10 years I was there no matter what. Today I have to step back and be here, here for me first then others second. My life is in my hands to mold to grow and to accept. All the good things are mine to embrace and appreciate. If I chose to share them with someone it is only because I chose to. He taught me a lot and I will always care, I no longer feel indebted.

Love can be expressed in many ways and I hope I can continue to express my love for him by loving myself first, and then others. He took me from the streets and raised me to be a man. I have but only one regret, I pushed him away.

If it is

As I sit and ponder life I get so angry at myself. I will say no he was not the best man in the world, yet even with all his flaws we had something. I miss him I miss the connection. I really wish I knew what it is that I did that ran him away. i can not change him or this place we are in. I hope we can someday be friends. Yes I know it is best for both of us. But damn it after 11 years it is hard. I have to leave the tv on at night so I can sleep. Mothers day iis this weekend. 16 years ago I lost my mother his replaced her and this year I will not be able to see her or wish her a happy mothers day. i know I am rambling and shit but it is my way to get it out.....