If it is

As I sit and ponder life I get so angry at myself. I will say no he was not the best man in the world, yet even with all his flaws we had something. I miss him I miss the connection. I really wish I knew what it is that I did that ran him away. i can not change him or this place we are in. I hope we can someday be friends. Yes I know it is best for both of us. But damn it after 11 years it is hard. I have to leave the tv on at night so I can sleep. Mothers day iis this weekend. 16 years ago I lost my mother his replaced her and this year I will not be able to see her or wish her a happy mothers day. i know I am rambling and shit but it is my way to get it out.....

Life.

I would like to start off tonight by saying id anyone reads this blog please understand this is my emotions most of the time talking. I am an emotional wreck right now. Please do not consider my thoughts of my ex partner as fact. As most people I lash out when hurt and say mean things..... I had thought this blog was a safe place yet I have learned my ex some how get the postings. He told me today.... All I can say is I am sorry for the use of mean words and expressing my emotions where he would see them and if it hurt him I am sorry. I was only using the one outlet I have to release so I can continue....

A new week A new Outlook.

So as I start off the week, I reflect on the last week and must take the lessons and embrace the beauty of them.
i can reflect and live in the pain if I chose or I can enjoy the beauty. It is still hard to know he is such an evil person that he would abandon the pets and have no concern over my health.   As one of his best friends said, If I am surprised it is only because I lied to myself.  Upon reflection all the times I needed support he was not there. So why would I consider this to be different. I was lying to myself all along.
I have a minor surgery today I was wanting him to be there for the dogs since I will be in pain today yet he can not even reply to the request. I am blessed I have people around to help. The dogs will know I am not able to be there tonight for them and will be as they always have protecting me.

He did what

Well here it is a new week. It is so sad I am really over all his so called friends calling me and telling me all the shit I thought was true is....... Sleeping with so called friends. Heck I told him who mine were. Sending graphic pictures...... Um I thought that was between you and I....... Telling me his ass is in MT. Center and even where he lives...... I really do not give a fuck...... and no I do not think his new boyfriend looks like a girl....... Yes he told someone that...... It is sick.......... I am so over his control and shit............. I am ready to live life.......

Really

I am in pain suffering but must work to take care of my home and pets. I have asked him to spend time with them today, and he is doing it again. He is such a control freak he will not just be there and care. I do not want to depend on him for anything yet damn he knows the pain I am in. Shit I took care of him many times when he could not walk. Yet he only has one thing in mind and that is to make me suffer as much as he can.

You would think all the late nights I stayed awake taking him to the er cause he could not walk or the days I held him because the medication he was on made him feel like he had the flu. Or the back rubs because his back was in pain, would at least would give me some kind of compassion. But no he is all about how to make me suffer. He abandon me and the pets for his own wants and needs. i do not care what he does to me I can not be hurt more then what he has done. The pets need love and interaction yet to punish he he denys them.

WOW

OMG I have major pain. My back is killing me. I am scared I can not take the dogs to play, It hurts to walk or sit. I was lucky He came and drove me to work....... Fearful, what if something happens to me who will care for the pets. This is very scary the pets are my life.....

Trying

how do I hate someone I have loved. How do I let go when I hurt. He is bad for me yet I care. Life is beautiful and so many options for me yet I still care I miss him I miss his stupid ways. I know why yet I still ask. As I sit and remember the times of joy I forget the pain. I know he was evil yet I still hurt.

Change.

When we are in a place in life that seems dark, a choice is made to stumble our way through or to turn on the Damn light. For years I have walked in the dark, believing what I was told, allowing myself to be abused and never speaking up. He would make comments about me to others and I would not care. He was able to make me believe I was someone I am not. I am a beautiful person I love people and I care. The change is an inside outside action, the pain is real and the emotions today I can feel. His newest abuse to to only talk when he wants or needs something. I do not care it is refreshing to know that what others has said is true, I was not the one he cared for and it is not abandonment for he was never part of.